A lot of things got me thinking in this few days.

Learning about myself but still don’t know anything. Finding my flows and my so called advantages but mostly my flows…

Today I was talking to my mother and asked her if she is satisfied by her work as a psychologist. The talk took another lead eventually and came to the fact that there are a lot of psychologists that are basically a social worker within themselves. They are always there for people that have some kind of an emotional problem in their lives. With this, they ignore themselves and their needs and life, and give all their strength to others. This may seem to you that these people are actually very good people that devote themselves for the help of others, so nothing wrong with that, the world needs more of these kind. But here's the trick, as to psychologists, this is so unprofessional and so damaging to the person himself and the surroundings, his family and friends. I remember my mother said to me in the past, not a few times, that at work she is a psychologist, and home she is a mother and wife. She has a good point. A person that will be a psychologist in his life won't do any other part rather then be a psychologist. He could not be a husband nor a father. All this because the simple fact of roles in our lives. Here is a more simple example, take a teacher, she is a good teacher but when she comes home, she don’t leave her teaching shoes at the school, she comes back with them home, to her children. I think you can simply imagine how it will be. The role of the mother is replaces with a role of "another" teacher to the children. I won't expend in this because I think you got the idea. Back to our "inner social worker" psychologist, this will be a disaster to his family, his friends and his carrier as a psychologist, with his friends he is like a garbage can, and for his family he is not really there as he is suppose, as a father, the protecting, caring and not judging father.

Now I realized that I am becoming that garbage can, most of my life people came to me for a consolation or just a shoulder to cry on. This is all welcomed, but it just made me realized that I've grown to be attracted and attract only this kind of people. I forgot about myself, my feeling, and my problems… I forgot so much that it seems like I lost them all. I do need someone to. A shoulder to cry on and a person that will listen to me and not judge me. Now… I just don’t know how to listen to myself, I don’t know what is there to say about how I feel. It is all lost in my childhood. I'm starting to loose my energy with people that need me and ask my help, or people that I give myself to them because I love them. I really don’t see myself stopping giving support to those who ask for it, but I do need to find a way to do that in the role of a friend. And not in the role of my inner social worker because I know it will hurt me in my life and will also hurt or won't bring any good to others. I need to learn how to be a friend and how to be a lover. I really don’t know how. That what makes me so sad and disappointed, I can't even imagine how to be one… I never learned it in my life because I was too concentrated in others and their problems that I forgot to listen to myself and evolve my feelings.

Around a month ago, something changed something that eventually brought me to this point. I fell in love, something that I never even though will happen. I know it love because I never felt anything like that before… and it the only thing that made me remember my feeling, remember myself and what I can have in my life. Yes, I know it's tricky to understand what I am trying to say and I'm not sure I'll be able to explain it. Anyway, today when I had this talk with my mother I realized that even thought I'm in love, I didn’t change a bit, still doing the same thing, even with the one I love. Trying so hard not to do anything wrong, but still do everything wrong. Not know what I'm supposed to do in a relationship, what is my role? I still don’t know. But I do know this: I stop right now to be the silly social worker and the psychologist. I want to be able to support her as her love and also be supported in my own confusing and ignorant stat. I want to learn how to become a friend and lover. I need to stop thinking to deep about reasons and consequences, the outcomes of our behavior, the general characteristics of people and, the traits… everything! All those things that I am supposed to do at the university and later on at work as a future psychologist, all those have to stay there, far away from my personal life.

This makes me wonder if I should go to a psychologist myself to figure things out, because I don't think I can do it by myself.

I thought too much… too deep. But now, I stop and leave it to where it belongs – the university. Now I am Dalia the friend. It doesn’t matter what I study in the university. But I will need your help on teaching me the things that I don’t know about this new world of friendship and relationship. Be patient with me, I beg of you. Give me time to learn, to develop myself. I want to understand my own feeling, to listen to them. I want to give all of myself as a friend, but also to get some back, this way I won't loose energy.

Thank you for opening my heart so I can start listening to myself.